


reaching

by ralf



Series: Close to Canon [33]
Category: Shadowhunters (TV)
Genre: Hurt No Comfort, Hurt/Comfort, M/M, Miscommunication, alec-typical brand of self-deprecation, magnus-typical brand of self-worth issues, my sister told me to tag this: you're having a good day and want it ruined? read this
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2021-01-23
Updated: 2021-01-23
Packaged: 2021-03-15 11:42:12
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 745
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/28937949
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/ralf/pseuds/ralf
Summary: Alec's gaze flickers away and he withdraws his hand.[Set during 2x18 and the significant hand-holding.]
Relationships: Magnus Bane/Alec Lightwood
Series: Close to Canon [33]
Series URL: https://archiveofourown.org/series/936036
Comments: 17
Kudos: 43





	reaching

**Author's Note:**

> Memory aid (minus the flashback scene, lol): <https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YaO1_eEwCOE>
> 
> I hadn't originally intended to write something from Magnus's POV as well but then leaving it out felt like an omission so yay for more angst I guess?!

His little brother is dying and there's nothing he can do.

Dead silence has fallen over the hallway since the door shut behind Brother Enoch with a resonating click.

Alec's eyes are closed, his heart beating painfully against his ribs. Everything in him strains to tear into that room and wrench Brother Enoch away from Max, to stop this from happening. He imagines Brother Enoch's vacant gnarled face taking in Max's delicate form dispassionately, reaching for him with wrinkled fingers, doing unspeakable things to his vulnerable mind.

A touch startles him from his horrifying vision. Careful hands cradling his own, gently steering him away from his spiraling thoughts.

Magnus's eyes, when he meets them, are dark and bottomless and full of understanding.

It had been instinct to seek Magnus out when he learned of Max's injuries. Not for his magic but for this. Driven out of his mind by fear for his brother he hadn't even remembered their fight until he reached the loft, and when he did he almost turned back. He had no right to ask anything of Magnus, not consideration and not comfort.

But maybe Magnus could help. If there was anything he could do to heal Max and Alec failed to consult him just to spare his own feelings that would be unforgivable. And Magnus has always been kind. He wouldn't punish Max for Alec's mistakes.

So he'd asked and Magnus couldn't help but he's still here, holding Alec's hand and looking at him with so much shared anguish, so much warmth. It's everything Alec needs and everything Alec doesn't deserve.

Magnus is furious with him, rightfully so. Magnus deserves better than having to put his own hurt aside for Alec's sake, just to pick up Alec's pieces. It shouldn't be his concern that Alec is incapable of holding himself together. It's not his responsibility to look after him. It's Alec's fault that he has to anyway.

And what is _wrong_ with him to contemplate himself and his shortcomings when his brother is in the next room, could be drawing his last breaths? All his thoughts, all his prayers should be with Max.

The warmth of Magnus's hand turns scalding, prickling on his skin, every second of it a testament to Alec's failings as a brother, as a lover, as a person.

He can't bear it. He can't breathe. He can't hold Magnus's gaze.

He withdraws his hand from Magnus's and turns away.

And so he misses how Magnus flinches at the loss of contact, how his face shutters and how he takes a step back.

~~~

~~~

He can't imagine how Alec must be feeling.

Max looked so fragile in that bed and Magnus tried everything, every spell and every incantation he could think of to save him but nothing worked. All his magic and he couldn't improve Max's condition by a single fraction.

But that's neither here nor there. Brother Enoch will attend to Max now. All they can do is hope. Despite their fight, despite the enormity of what currently stands between them Magnus would do anything, will do anything he can to lessen Alec's pain.

He envelopes Alec's hand in his, watches Alec's eyes flutter open, catch on his, cloudy with distress and grief. Magnus's heart squeezes and he wishes he could take some of it into himself so Alec didn't have to carry it on his own.

Alec's hand is limp between his, cold and heavy, and Magnus rubs his thumbs into his skin. He remembers all the times that Alec held his hand, a reassuring weight that grounded him, a tangible proof that he wasn't alone. If he could instill that same comfort in Alec--

Alec's gaze flickers away and he withdraws his hand.

The air in Magnus's lungs turns to ice.

Alec doesn't want his consolation.

_No wonder,_ a voice whispers in his mind. _Your magic couldn't help his brother. You have outlived your usefulness._

Magnus recoils. No. Alec isn't like that. No matter the chasm between them, _they_ aren't like that.

His faith wavers when Alec turns away and leaves Magnus behind to sit with his family.

His family. There's no place for Magnus here.

He takes a step to the side, widening the distance separating him from Alec, from the Lightwoods. His back against the wall he breathes slowly, keeping his gaze fixed to the hardwood floor.

And so he misses the way Alec keeps glancing at him, longing barely concealed in his eyes.


End file.
